After many years of being what I would label the “armchair photographer” and simply using photography as my excuse to get out and see Alaska I have found my interests changing as of late.  My love of photography is intensifying and growing to a new level.  Of course my biggest challenge remains overcoming my lack of self confidence in constantly questioning, “Am I good enough?” 

Not only have I begun to seriously work on building a second business of this, I have also had an interest sparked in attempting to get shown here locally.  Vis a vie by participating in the art circuit known as First Friday.  Perhaps the biggest challenge is not having any local gallery contacts and really not knowing where to start.

The interest however is still there.  Where there is a will there is a way - right?

I’m not usually one that finds myself lamenting those days of the past. But lately I’ve seen a division within this country that frightens me. Perhaps its cause is that of the upcoming election. Perhaps its cause is continual struggles within our foreign policy. Out of respect I tend to not air my political or religious views here. After all, that is not what this blog is about. And the reality is there are plenty of others out in the blogosphere that focus on this issues more than I could.

But this morning I find myself with memories of that fateful day some seven years ago. That of September 11th. At that moment in time I worked at a local telecommunications company in contracting. I remember that day quite clearly and watching in horror as the twin towers fell.

What continues to come to mind is watching the country become the most united I have seen it in the days following. Despite the tragedy. Despite the heartache. Which we all suffered much during those days. But that is perhaps the last time I have seen this country come together as one. Or as near as can be. Tragedy can be a strange bed fellow to us. And no doubt we have seen that in our own lives this year.

I was blogging back even then. Of course under a different online name. In those days following I of course wrote about my feelings as did many others. There is still one particular entry that comes to mind. I still think of this little girl mentioned in this post. She would of course be older today. No doubt off in school somewhere. Perhaps like me she struggles with the hate and riff I still see constantly in this world.

But I remember. Oh yes, I remember.

“Out of compassion I destroy the darkness of their ignorance.
From within them I light the lamp of wisdom and dispel all darkness from their lives.”

September 13, 2001

Darkness had just started to descend over the confines of the realm. I had continued to watch the lights in surrounding offices go dark as people left and began their journey home. Entering my 14th hour of work, I chanced a glance to look up from my computer for the first time in hours and quickly glance out the window. Out of the corner of my eye I saw industrious glow of lights flashing in the distance, as if beckoning to come ever closer. Curious, I stood up and wandered across the floor to the corner office to see what activity was amiss. I noticed the 8 or so hook and ladder trucks sitting in the center of the Barnes and Noble parking lot just down the street. All were parked in a circular nature with their ladders extended, adjoining to form a single circle. Hanging from that circle was the largest American flag I have ever seen.

Feeling a warm and comforting presence wash over me, I thought it was time to leave for the evening and be one of those taking that journey home. Something told me I should drive by the trucks on the way hope. Perhaps offer a word of encouragement and see exactly was happening. As I passed through the stoplight only a few hundred feet from the store, I caught my bank out of the corner of my eye. I whipped into the parking lot and ran up to the ATM. I ended up withdrawing everything that was in my account. After all, I had already met my monthly obligations in terms of bills and was being paid tomorrow. I secretly began to hope they were collecting money, so I could give them the money that had become fisted in my hand.

As I left and drove up to the site, I was astounded by what I saw. At least 150 people were milling around in the local intersections collecting money for the families of the firefighters killed in after this week’s tragic events. Horns were honking everywhere, people were cheering, sirens were flashing. As I pulled ever closer, I saw her. Standing out on the corner waving stood a little girl about 4 years old. Wearing her fathers fireman’s jacket it draped down over her ankles. On her head stood his helmet, which she wore proudly.

It draped down over the confines of her face, shadowing everything but the tip of her nose and her perky mouth. In her hands she grasped a little red plastic fireman’s hat that I remembered from youth. As I pulled up next to her, I rolled down my window and beckoned her forth. I just knew I had found the person I must give it to. I scooped up the money sitting on the passenger seat next to me and put it in her little hat. Her mom looked down, I saw her eyes widen a bit and a rather quick, “Tell her God Bless You” escaped softly from her lips.

As the light changed and cleared for me to drive forth, the last words I heard was the high squeal of “God Bless You” emerge from this girls lips. I knew whatever darkness that had overshadowed my thoughts of the morn had disappeared into that bright light I felt emerging gloriously within my heart now.

Whatever you are doing today — whether it be work, school or simply nothing at all. I hope we as a nation can remember that day. Just as a nation I hope we can somehow unite more in the future.

What shall I be doing? I shall simply step from that curb and look at my neighbors and smile — and remember the spirit of that little girl. Perhaps that unknown smile shall just make someone’s day a little brighter.

Perhaps.

One of the regulars that visits this site (hi Michael!) sent me an interesting e-mail that got me thinking about some things.  The comment that he enjoys my photos more knowing the story behind them — which in reality is pretty much what this blog is all about. 

But I do admit it got me thinking.  All too often when we buy prints, notecards, etc. that can tell location, artist, etc.  But I’ve never really saw anything that delves into the story behind the photo and the experience behind it.  Might be an interesting marketing idea.

That is if I ever truly begin to market my work.  I’m still decided.  Heck, I haven’t even decided if I should attempt a 2009 calendar again this year. 

Which I know if I decide to, I should have them ready by the end of this month.

In between the full time job and managing this thing we call life I often find myself wondering “what do I want to do when I grow up.” Even at my age. The thoughts are there on do I want to open my own business but with so many interests and hobbies it can be a difficult thing to make a decision on.

And then of course there is the ever ending question of would I still love it if it became work. Last year I took a few steps to see how my photography was viewed by the general public by publishing a few calendars and greeting cards. I was pleasantly surprised by the feedback I received but due to a rigorous schedule, haven’t really began to market that.

There is still the age old question on whether I am truly good enough with photography to compete with others. After all, it is a saturated market and competition can be fierce. Especially among Alaska photographers. And each time I turn there is yet another business popping up.

I know this isn’t a topic that will come to fruitition today or even tomorrow. Honestly my biggest decision right now is whether I want to publish a calendar again for 2009 and see how that goes.

Sometimes this adult thing is just no fun. I’d rather be outside just exploring and taking pictures.

Two years ago the Alaska Wildlife Conservation Center whose home is in Portage Alaska inherited two abandoned brown bear cubs by the name of Sadie and Haines. Sadie was found near a landfill in Kotzebue Alaska while Haines was found abandoned and roaming among houses and porches in Haines, Alaska. A year later they were joined by a spritely little bear named Kenai whose mother was shot by a hiker in “self-defense”. Since I was an annual passholder of this wonderful organization I spent quite a bit of time watching them grow up and into three beautiful sub-adults.

When April of this year rolled around they were shipped off to their new home at the Minnesota Zoo. Obviously for someone like me who has a love of wildlife their presence and antics are greatly missed. The few times I have been to the AWCC since then I have asked how they were doing in their new home, only to be told they are “adapting”. But alas for me I have found the AWCC quite simply isn’t the same without them.

With the loss of Sadie, Kenai and Haines I decided to do a bit of searching to obtain more information about their new home. Call it curiosity. I will be the first to admit I’m really not a fan of zoos. I find the animals spaces tend to be very confinding and the quality of life they tend to have to be less than superior. However that is another rant for another time. But during my research imagine my surprise to find these animals new home being listed and being sold as “Russia’s Grizzly Coast Animals” using bears of the Kamchatka Peninsula as a basis for their new display.

Last I looked Alaska was not Russia. Granted Alaska was bought from Russia in 1867 but my question remains why sell these animals as being from somewhere they are not? And while the answer is no double lost in the mire and muck of politics and advertising of which I am not a fan, I shall hope that they grow up healthy and strong.

Because they are certainly missed by me.

So as the saying goes “March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb”. As such would be the case here in South-central. When the month began we were met with snow and frigid temperatures. Alas mother nature has eased her grip and instead given us rain showers to end it. I have always loved the smell of fresh rain. And it always helps clean the smell of the leaf rot that has been hiding under the snow all those winter months.

I had an interesting question arrive in my e-mail box this morning from a casual visitor to this site. While it seemed to be a simple question the response is one that is not so equivocally easy.

“What is it to be an Alaskan?”

Having lived here for 30 years I can give you my own thoughts on what it is and isn’t. But to ask anyone this I will say your answers you get will no doubt be different. In my experience those that live here have a love it or hate it relationship with this state. Those that truly call Alaska home and consider themselves an Alaskan are bound by the sense of spirit that exists here. Being an Alaskan is simply imagining yourself living no where else.

Sure there are times that I have thought about leaving here. To live in a warmer climate. But then I think about crowds, traffic and those thoughts quickly dim. All I have to do is then step outside and look at the grandeur around me to realize this is the best choice for me. Despite not being a fan of winter.

Alaska simply is. It’s a sense of spirit. It’s allowing yourself to be open minded and experiencing it. To learn about its cultures and terrain unlike you will experience anywhere else. It’s allowing yourself to giving yourself to her in body, mind, and soul - and taking in return. It’s a sense of adventure.

Alaska is simply living. But only if you let it.

When it comes to photography I tend to stick with taking photos of subjects I know.  Those being landscape and wildlife.  Wildlife obviously more than anything.  Even landscape photography is an art in and of itself and is something very few can ever master because it’s a challenge with continuous changes in light.

One thing that I never have tried my hand at is aurora photography.  However I have seen many fellow photographers take photos of the aurora with stunning results.  Yet I know it is another art that is a challenge in and of itself.

And with the aurora forecast tonight forecasted to be active with it projected to show even all the way down to Juneau, of course I’m thinking do I make an unexpected trip out and try my hand at it. 

Decisions, decisions…

As I stepped among the crisp piles of snow that had adorned themselves along the fence posts and my senses were filled with the fragranced air of chimney smoke, I began to think. A new day had dawned and led us into the encroachment of nearing the end of yet another year.

We focus and currently live in a month that brings many memories and serves as a gentle reminder that the frenzied holiday rush is here. Days to be filled with the company of friends and family. Like those of sitting in front of your dining room table as you lean back and pat your overstuffed belly, knowing that yet again you have indulged in too much. The light of the harvest colors have given way to the beckoning reds and greens of December. A time for change, a time for joy; and for some, even a time of depression. For the holidays speak of memories like no other.

It is no surprise to me that with the approaching New Year that I find myself lost in thought. But unlike most people that may be asking themselves, “What has changed for me?”, “How have I changed?” or even “What could I make better?” instead I find myself looking for ways and thoughts on what could I have done differently to enjoy my time in this state. Looking for and planning new ways to help me experience what being an Alaskan is truly about.

It is no surprise that aligned with these thoughts are the sparks of the wanderlust spirit that is and has always resided within me. I think instead of the coming summer and places to see. The list is long and no doubt there will be more mileage added to my car.

Those thoughts include such journeys as camping along the Hull Road to experience the visage of the Brooks Range. Or flying in to a base camp at Skolai Pass in Wrangell-St. Elias and doing some backpacking and exploring. Or even experiencing the enriched history of the gold rush with a trip to the Top of the World Highway and into the Yukon. Of course I shall be returning to Katmai and Denali National Park. Just as I will be entering the McNeil River lottery and of course the Denali Road Lottery in hopes of winning. Then there is the personal project that has birthed itself in my mind that focuses on the history and lore of the Iditarod Trail. These are all the experiences and wonders that Alaska offers in summer or even fall. But I’m served a reminder there is still much to experience in winter’s chill.

Edward Lytton once said, “In life everything moves in curves.” This has always struck a chord in me as I have always found myself having an affinity for circles. Because if I had to describe life as anyone thing it would be that of a circle. The symbol of infinity, the prime symbol of the nothing and the all; the symbol of heaven and the solar eye, the all-encompassing form beyond and through which man finds and loses himself. The symbol of the round of life and death; of the cosmic procession of beings, planets and stars, of earthly seasons and galactic cycles. The origin less Mandala.

According to Jung, the circle symbolizes essentially the processes of nature or the cosmos as a whole, and both the subconscious and the super conscious aspects of nature. By a young age, I had already begun to see the circular journey in life, the death and new beginnings. When one thinks about it life’s circular nature we see it also revolves in every language, every religion, and every spiritual aspect. From the beauty of the Medicine Wheel of the Native Americans, to the Wheel of Dharma in Buddhism. The Circle Dance performed by Lord Shiva. It is abundantly clear it is in everything we do, or everything we see. In every element we know.

So when news greeted us here in Anchorage recently about the Elmendorf pack of wolves had been attacking and killing dogs, I know it never crossed many people’s minds that this could be nothing more than a circle of evolution. Of repeating patterns. Instead debates began to come forth and were waged with blaming our lack of snow cover. While others simply blamed the dog owners for allowing their beloved pets to be off leashes. After all, would it had happened if the owners had actually obeyed the leash laws set within the Municipality of Anchorage? All these raise very valid points and views.

But in the back of my mind this circle began to appear and form and I thought perhaps we were entering a cycle in which the wolves normal prey (i.e. mainly hares) are entering a cycle in which their own population is decreasing and as such aren’t widely available. Logic tells us that when we are hungry we look for nourishment. And if that source of nourishment is not available, we go looking elsewhere. Ah but we know that to people logic can be about as questionable as “Does the Loch Ness Monster really exist?” After all, aren’t we are a species that tends to be driven by emotions more than anything?

I cannot say I know the answer to exactly why this is happening, but it does make for some interesting discussion and thoughts. Whether circular nature or simply a savage nature. This is and simply remains life.

But we know it certainly won’t stop people from being afraid of “the big bad wolf”.  Nor will it stop the part of me that wants to go and seek them out simply because I know they are near.

Few people think of spam as being entertaining but I do admit to shaking my head in some of the amusing titles that wander across my e-mail spam box. Lord knows I have seen more than my fair share of Viagra ads over the years. One of today’s titles actually sent me back to a good session on reminiscing. That particular e-mail was entitled was “Someone has a crush on you.” All I could do was shake my head and think “yeah right” before hitting the delete button. Especially knowing those interested in this single girl are few and far between these days.

Crushes are always an interesting thing to me. I can remember my first crush was way back during the dinosaur ages when I was in kindergarten. I guess I started early as I certainly didn’t share the feeling among friends that boys had cooties.

We had just transferred to Las Vegas at the time and I saw the blonde Adonis playing kickball on the playground. Hey I was young. Every cutie looked like Adonis in my mind those days. Fairly shy at the time and new to the school I looked for ways to get into Joshua’s circle of friends. I became the master kickball player and happened to earn his respect through a mean shot with my foot. The reality is I really didn’t mean to aim the ball for his face. But it just kind of happened that way.

Eventually we returned to Alaska and over the years other crushes of course surfaced. But I found my early ties to being a tom boy and playing kickball remained longer than those crushes. I would play kickball with the boys which eventually led its way into baseball and then football.

I think my biggest crush came in 7th grade and lasted throughout that entire year and then resurfaced my freshman year in high school. I think back and shake my head in wonder what a loser that crushee turned out to be.

It’s amazing the tricks that our minds and heart can play. It certainly leads to those moments of “What was I thinking?!”

I certainly wouldn’t say I have any crushes as of now. It just seems like a subject of times passed.

But I can still play a mean game of kickball.